By: Michael Pilinski
4 ) You Control Your Horniness Instead of Letting it Control You
Let’s face it, if you’re the kind of guy who’s been taking care of your own business for most of your life, then you’ve probably got the “art” of self-love down to a friggin’ science by now! I suspect that you probably practice your craft often and with great enthusiasm also. This is all well and good, but sex drive happens to be one of Nature’s great motivators for getting the species to perpetuate itself.
Without sex drive, men and women really wouldn’t give much of a shit about each. So as much as you hate to hear it, short-circuiting this urge will eventually lead to some degree of social withdrawal and awkwardness.
One of the drawbacks to the single life is that it’s easily embraced as a lifestyle if you’re not careful. It’s takes no effort at all to backslide into self-indulgence to the point where you no longer consider taking on the responsibility of caring about someone else. This becomes especially easy if you’ve become proficient at tending to your own sexual needs on a regular basis.
What happens is that you’ve gotten into the habit of keeping yourself in a very comfortable state of low horniness much of the time. Can’t say that I blame you. If you’ve got zero prospects of relieving them, what’s the sense of torturing yourself with a chronic case of blue balls? May as well keep your system turned down as low as it can go so that you can sleep at night. It’s important to recognize, however, that this low-horniness works against you as much as it does for you by obliterating your motivation to pursue real women.
Sure, you scope them out and fantasize about tons of them every day, but since fear controls your actions it remains impossible to break through the barriers that rejection sensitivity and shame have placed around you. The valuable thing about
Horniness is that it’s one of the few emotion-states that is powerful enough to challenge and overpower Fear. However, by keeping your horniness in a perpetually depressed state it remains weakened and useless against your fear.
Thus you are depriving yourself of your foremost emotional motivator for pursuing women. With your horniness mostly tamed, it’s easy to find yourself interacting with girls as friends instead of pursing them as potential lovers. After all, it’s the horniness that provides you with your natural male aggression… and if you’re not at least somewhat horny then you lack this critical quality of determination. In mating, aggression in the male is vitally important. In almost no known species of mammal will the females mate with non-aggressive males. Wimps simply don’t stand a chance – even in the world of dogs, cats and gophers!
People aren’t much different because the game of seduction and mating – while seemingly civilized and very intellectual in the human animal – is still primal at its core. It is propelled by instincts older than Time itself which lie barely hidden under our more civil personalities. Therefore, something as simple as mere aggression (shown in the human male as persistence and focused interest) is rated highly by women everywhere. Male dominance again… dominant males are aggressive and go after what they want. This turns women on. Primarily. Sometimes even against their will.
Your brain experiences an inverse relationship between your horniness and your anxiety over approaching women. When one goes up the other goes down by about the same amount. If you’re currently at an 80% fear and 20% horniness ratio for instance, try getting that down to 60-40 or even 50-50 and watch what an effortless improvement it will make in your ability to relate to women as a man, and not as some non-aggressive eunuch. Try it as an experiment for a month! You can always go back to your old “wackin’ ways” if your rejection fear doesn’t seem to diminish… but I bet that it will.
Therefore I challenge you to consider cutting back on the frequency of your self-pleasuring and porno-viewing, in an effort to recover some of your lost horniness. Allow your horniness to manage you for a change instead of the other way around! Remember, sex drive defeats fear. Anything that helps to lower the volume of your fear will make you more aggressive and demonstrate to women that you will not accept a “buddy-buddy” relationship with them. You will be surprised when you discover how much of your natural male energy you have been wasting away.
5 ) You’d Rather Be Pitied Than Loved
This one is like an ugly tumor growing from the underbelly of your toxically shamed affection needs. You’ve managed to adopt some other type of emotion – like pity – and substitute it for feelings of love and affection. In other words, since you can’t allow yourself to feel love or affection because you’re ashamed of these sentiments, you’ve decided that some creepy substitute like pity is okay. I’m sure psychologists have a fancy name for it — all I know is that this kind of emotion-swapping is common among people who weren’t allowed to experience the full sweep of their emotional life while they were growing up. The result, Toxic shame cover-up 101, I suppose you might call it.
You might be using some other form of “swap” emotion besides getting a woman to feel sorry for you… and I’ll bet you’ve gotten real good at hankering around for whatever it is. “Scoring” this emotion gives you the same kind of thrill that a normal guy would get from enjoying an exchange of authentic love and compassion with a real woman. Unable to express these crippled emotions however, you’ve figured out a way to go for the next best thing.
How can you find out if you’ve been practicing emotion-swapping as a shame cover-up? Easy, take a mental inventory right now of the pattern of interactions that you commonly have with women – typical exchanges that substitute for actually being intimate with them. There’s something going on because these unexpressed affection desires will gnaw at your soul like a corrosive acid, and will have to find some alternate escape route.
Especially think about your “friendly” relationships with women. What kind of manipulations and psychological games go on between the two of you? What kind of gratification do you receive from them? You’re actually being satisfied in some bizarre way by the extraction of this substitute emotion from her. This is what you need from her more than sex! That’s why you can put up with being her platonic, sexless buddy, whereas a horny dominant male cannot. It’s sick! My cover-up somehow involved extracting feelings of pity or compassion.
When I was a kid, this was the only way that I could get an indifferent mother to show any sort of affection towards me… i.e., by being sick or otherwise downtrodden. Pity did the trick. Possibly it’s a different emotion for you. Maybe if you can get women to admire you or fear you or whatever, then that’s what you really need to secure from them. Getting a fix of this particular emotion is like a drug for you. You’ve gotten yourself hooked and keep repeating the stimulus over and over again just like any other junkie. Your warped relations with women have become habituated like an addiction.
You must open your eyes and slap yourself awake as a first step to destroying these addictions. Admit you are powerless and out of control, just like they do in those 12 Step AA programs. I’m serious… this is always the first step: dispense with your delusions and fess up.
This may be personally disturbing for you to contemplate I know, but at least you don’t have to spill your guts about it in a book and try to sell it on the
Internet like I’m doing here! I’m simply asking you to take some time out to meditate (find quiet time to become introspective) on your deeper motivations for the way that you behave, and see what you can find out about yourself. Step back and do some self-observation — check the attic for old useless clutter, uncomfortable as it may be at first.
Then, when you recognize a dis-empowering behavior coming on, resolve to change it whenever possible. This process is called “interrupting your pattern”.
Figure out what your “shame swaps” are for you, then stay alert and steer a new course whenever you find yourself slipping back into those same old crummy patterns!
6 ) You Are Afraid of Your Own Sexuality
It could be that after years of masturbatory perfection you have now become such a Zen master at the art of self-induced orgasmic ecstasy that you don’t dare let anyone into your private playpen. Why? Because you could easily be controlled as well! A man with your intense internal pleasure mapping could be manipulated by a woman with ease once she found out just how to pull your strings, so to speak.
I’ll admit this sounds rather far fetched, but if you stop and think about it, this is just the sort of basis of a deeply rooted, subconscious fear. A fear so strong that it acts on you subliminally to keep all those dangerous women at bay! Again, this is something that you’ll have to go deep inside to determine if it’s happening to you on some level. Be honest with yourself — it’s all just self-examination and you’ll never have to reveal what you discover to anyone.
But you can use it to help yourself by becoming aware of just what is really going on in your mind… maybe for the first time in your entire life. If this type of fear does exist in you, it should be easy to debunk as unreasonable. Yet the mere thought of sexual surrender – thrilling to a woman – can be downright frightening to a man because it suggests complete emasculation. This is a stealthy fear that loses much of its power over you if you can only drag it out of the dark place it hides and shine some light on it. You are too mentally strong to let any woman control you.
7 ) You Are Afraid of Becoming Addicted to Her
This is Part B to the idea that we just discussed above. If you’ve got some form of toxic shame brewing around inside of you, then you also have the basis for some kind of addictive behavior lurking within. Toxic shame is the root cause of all addictions… period. You’re probably struggling with (or maybe even enjoying) some kind of addiction right now aren’t you? If so, then you know how easily the focus of that behavior could be transferred over to some woman that you’ve really gotten yourself hooked on. Down deep you understand the power that any woman can wield over a man.
Women struggle with their emotional control. They know how delicate female emotions can be (because they are so compelling, thus barely containable), and they are very afraid of being hurt by them. In a similar fashion, men struggle with their sexuality… which for many men remains just barely under their daily control.
As men, we can easily develop a fear of being overwhelmed and manipulated by a malicious woman skilled in using our own male sexual responses as a weapon turned against us. This is a comparable fear to the one women have of being heartbroken by a two-timing user. Again, this kind of fear is very subliminal and could be sneaking around the edges of your consciousness without your even being aware of it. It could be another brick in the barrier you’ve erected between yourself and the possibility of becoming intimate with women. Challenge yourself and find out.
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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Thanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly about it and love learning more on this topic. If possible, as you gain expertise, would you mind updating your blog with more information? It is extremely helpful for me.